• Vicky Murray

It's like the world is trying to erase me from history - and other stories we tell ourselves

Yep, I have genuinely been heard to say this, out loud, to other humans. First humans who knew me and still loved my 'quirks' and later those not so familiar with the workings of this beautiful brain that was bestowed upon me.

The thing is, there may be ***some*** truth in the fact that any trace of my existence is being wiped off the map, but honestly? It's really not that conceited or Hollywood-film scary. Here's why. (Side-note, if this does become a Hollywood film, I would LOVE to be played by the Lady Gaga - or the modern version of her, just saying).

The hypothesis

So where did this suspicion begin? Well, it kind of built up over a period of time. First, I got married and lost my identity (the name that had plagued me for 23 years swapped for one I hated - should have been a sign! - more on that later). Next, the hospital I was born in and the flat my family and I first lived in was demolished. Replaced with something else, no fan club trips to 'where it all began' to be a concern for anyone.

Next up, well, that tricky little thing called divorce. Yep, hating that name should've been a sign, it was never going to work. I learnt pretty quickly that when the crap hits the fan, I can be pretty resourceful, especially when life as you know it is sent up in flames in front of you and events lead you to say 'enough already'.

Yet here's the thing. This 'ending', this attempt at erasure was actually more permission to be free. To hit reset. To claim back 'me' (aka MY name for a start - which was always much cooler) and to reassess the situation and choose what happened next.

Checks and balances

So, balance realigned, imagine my horror when not only my main childhood home was demolished (concrete decay - it's a thing), I also found out my middle home (we lived in three different places when I was growing up) also got flattened at the same time as my secondary school was.

I mean, come on, even the most optimistic person could start to take this personally. If I did ever pro-create with some future partner, what the hell would I say to my kids? "Hey kiddo, this is where the hospital Mummy was born in used to be, this was where the homes she had were, this is where she really did go and learn some stuff".

All of these points would be valid, except for one thing.

This wasn't an attempt on my existence. My literal presence and evidence of being on this Earth. It was the same for hundreds if not thousands of others (even divorce, albeit not with the same person).

This stopped me in my tracks and I looked at things a different way (thank you coffee!). What if this wasn't an attempt to wipe me off the map but to put me on it?

What if all these things were happening to show me that I wasn't defined by what had been. What if I was meant to see that whatever had happened before, it didn't need to dictate what happened next?

I was free.

I could change and move and grow and be whoever I wanted to be whenever I wanted to be it. I had full control.

Seeing the light

So, from believing I was the target of some experimental director, I took these events for what they are. OPPORTUNITY. A big, chunky, coffee-smelling opportunity to choose.

To reinvent who I was and the life I was living.

The life I wanted to live and with whom.

And here is the best part, YOU CAN CHOOSE TOO (I'm actually really shouting that, I want you to see that you ALWAYS have a choice).

Does today, 12 April 2020, really feel like the perfect time to be starting something new? Growing a business? Planning a future? At first glance amidst the Global Pandemic that Corona Virus has us facing you could argue no.

Me? I'm here waving the banner for YES, the dying part aside, I'd much prefer it if there wasn't all the death as nobody wants that.

This Pandemic, by way of lockdown, has given us permission to stop and reassess. To flip the script and turn our horror movie into an inspirational masterpiece.

Over to you

All that is left now is for you to make a decision.

Are you going to see this time as the period where the world tried to erase you from history, or are you going to use it as a time to make history by creating something that will lift you and others out of one of the scariest times any of us will have ever faced?

You can let me know here.

Until next time, keep shooting for the stars, I'll be looking for you there.


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